This Means War (2012)

Pretty fly (for a one star movie).

Given the script and the director, this film should be worse than it is, but impressively the tri-force that is Witherspoon, Hardy & Pine Associates (awesome lawyer firm name, by the way) don’t so much as rescue the film, but certainly rescued this viewer from gouging his eyes out with a plastic ice cream spoon.

McG (the director who is sat firmly at the top of my ‘Meh’ list) has done this before – helmed a beast of a film that was only made watchable by its stars in both Terminator Salvation and Charlie’s Angels. And I would have avoided it like the plague had it not been insisted upon by my friend who has a very forgiving and generous tolerance of celluloid spunk.

It’s not that I didn’t laugh, there were some genuine giggles in there, but each time it felt as if they had been borrowed from some bigger and better film; and the same goes for Reese’s best friend. She delivered some great lines, but at no point did they feel original – and to be honest, the ‘potty-mouthed best friend’ is hardly an original concept.

Alas the lines that were delivered to both Tom and Chris were so excruciating, that at times you wanted to to put your hands over their mouths and tell them to shut up. And also possibly stroke their lovely biceps. Since you’re so close, you might as well.

Their chemistry, however, was amazing. I longed to see Hardy and Pine in another movie, to see them with some witty banter to banter wittily with. Similarly, their comic timing was impeccable, but without decent comic with which to time, it is a pairing that is utterly wasted by this steaming pile of film poo.

The choreography is worth a mention. There is one single-shot scene in which the three leads move and slide in between each other unnoticed, that, credit where credit’s due, is a great scene. But that’s it. Just the one.

Props for the actors aside, ultimately this is a horrible film. Poorly written, and really, there are a thousand other films you should be watching other than this.

Let this be one that I take for the team, and go and watch Tom in Warrior, Reese in Legally Blonde and Chris in, um, well for lack of anything else, Star Trek. There’s a good film out there for Tom & Chris to be reunited in and I just have to hope McG won’t be at that party.

WHAT I’VE LEARNT

• Tom Hardy has an amazing and very sexy British accent.
• Not all universally panned films end up being as wonderful as Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.

WHEN TO WATCH

• When the only alternative in the two-screen cinema is War Horse.

WHEN NOT TO WATCH

• When you’re scanning through iTunes and feel sucked in by the appealing iCandy.

POSTER QUOTE
“Witherspoon, Hardy & Pine only just rescued me from gouging my eyes out with a plastic ice cream spoon.”